He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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