i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
