is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
