so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
