Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
