Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
