i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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