never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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