i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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