i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
