come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
