don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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