Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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