And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
