She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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