i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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