phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
