Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
