yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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