I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
