So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
