normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
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Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
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I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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