my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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