last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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