she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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