i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
