sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
