I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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