I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
