i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
