Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
