Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
