When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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