my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
