I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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