Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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