dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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