We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
