***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
