Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
