I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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