I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
