Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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