I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
