Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
