I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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