ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
