Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
