I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
