was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
