Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
