You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
