I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
