My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
