but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
