I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Found your dick twin last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
