Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
