textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
