I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
