Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
