Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were trust falling into bushes
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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