i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
