so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
