There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
